I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
