whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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