Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize