I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
