I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
