When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize