First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
