the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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