omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
