im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
