he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
