I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
