I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
