I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
