I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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