You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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