I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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