I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
