oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
