She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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