if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Randomize
