I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
