I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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