I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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