my phone needs a breathalizer
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
