i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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