apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
