True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I came so hard my ears popped.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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