I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize