It's Friday. Sex?
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Randomize
