he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize
