just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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