i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
