my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Randomize