You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Randomize
