I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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