i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
