So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
