I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize