I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
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