I seem to have left my pride at pride
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
