I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
