I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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