3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
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