its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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