I smell stomach acid.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize