you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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