I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Randomize
