She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I think my vagina is haunted
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
