Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I am available for nakedness
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
