the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
