I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
never play flip cup with pint glasses
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize