Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
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