Ketchup is God's man juice
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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