Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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