I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Randomize
