Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
