I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Randomize