He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
