im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Randomize
