So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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