I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
