On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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