Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
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