I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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